Corruption and Decay

OK, get this: my right eyeball, the one that tried to offload its retina four years ago? Now has a cataract. Can you believe that shit?!? It's like the Ford Pinto of eyeballs. I'm only 43 years old people!

I'm actually kinda relieved. It could have been more retinal problems, which are tricky and risky. Cataract surgery on the other hand is kind of a snap, I hear. Just drive up, roll down your window, bing bang boom, you're outta there. I was diagnosed by the surgeon who did my retina surgery—he seemed almost offended that I'd come to him with such a trivial matter.

Still, I don't like reminders of my non-youthfulness. Some jerk colleague objected to my use of the term chillax the other day, on the grounds of my age, or so he implied. I wanted to give him such a pinch.

Can I get a seeing-eye dog for this?

Kitchen Krazy

Oh man, my people. It is so on. I've marshalled the necessary energies and debt to finally do something about the kitchen limbo I've been living in for an age. I've signed up with a remodeler, pulled down a bunch of crumbling plaster, and bent my brain around cabinet, flooring, and appliance shopping. Lemme show ya around!

The kitchen with some elements still intact (including unwashed dishes and general squalor):

The destruction begins:

Middle-aged woman with wrecking bar. FEAR ME!

I show a couple more walls who's boss:

After the first layer of newer drywall is off, the really attractive, greenish plaster is revealed:

At this point, I can't take it any more:

But I finished off that green monster the next day:

I let the professionals take down the ceiling. I still have my sink for now, but will likely lose it in the next few days. Then it's the hose out back for me! I'm pretending I'm camping.

But oh my god you guys! Here's what it could look like (with different cabinet styles, countertop, and appliances), according to the cabinet guy's computer:

Isn't it to die for!? The party begins an hour after the last carpenter leaves, y'all!

Big Night

For those of you who haven't given up on Sassmaster, here's a little something:





Yeah, that's right. Hybrid Fat-N-Sassy and I met our girl crush Maria Bamford after we caught her act in Minneapolis. She does not disappoint, y'all!