Saturday, June 30, 2007


OK, I may outing myself as poorly acclimated to the social niceties, but what is the damn problem with having panty lines? Of all the retarded things that women are supposed to worry about, this seems to me to be the most ridiculous.

I was watching one of those stupid countdown shows on VH1 or E! or someplace where fashion-magazine editors go to spew sound bites. They were counting down the top 25 fashion faux pas. Visible panty lines were number 1!! Worse than camel toe or orange fake tans or daisy dukes or anything else they could come up with. Honestly, I just don't get it.

My main problem with panty line kerfuffle is this: How the hell do you avoid them? I mean aside from wearing winter weight clothes all the time. Is there some secret that was not passed on to me? I grew up in a house full of boys, and my mother had a lot on her mind. Did she forget to tell me this one? 'Cause the main remedy I hear is "wear a thong" and I'm here to tell you: That AIN'T gonna happen. I wear the uncomfortable high heels and the poke-y bra and the binding formal wear, but I will NOT subject myself to an all-day wedgie just so others don't have to be horrified by the evidence that I have underwear on. (Wouldn't they be more taken aback by the opposite possibility?) Also, I can tell you from first-hand observation (what! I was walking up the stairs behind her!) that thongs can also give you a panty line.

Meanwhile, no underwear I've ever worn, no matter what the maker's claim, is capable of not giving you that little ridge. Panty lines may be the result of the way the pants or skirt fits, but it's hard enough just to find ones that don't make me look misshapen. Having to pay attention to panty lines would throw that delicate equation completely OFF.

There's always the possiblity that it's my butt that is designed poorly and causing perfectly made underwear to function improperly. But that's even more reason for me to blatantly flout this fashion law. Deal with my panty lines or stop looking at my ass!

P.S. If any of you have a real solution to this problem, I'm willing to hear it.


mully said...

did you know VPL also stands for the vermillion public library?
fuck it..sometimes you will have a panty line, lets us just assume it is hot.....

Lollie said...

The thong is responsible for spawning another fashion faux pas that I never loved or got "behind"...the VP.

Ladies, if you are still showing the top portion of your thong, stop.

Ladies, if you are over 30 and still doing it, shame on you. You are woefully unaware that you are being made fun of. Save yourselves and us from a lot of needless expended energy. I don't need to make you cry, you don't need to cry, capisce?

That is all.

Elbee said...

I am so with you on the panty lines. There are, I suppose, the boyish cut undies, and also those Spanx shaper things. I just can't get past wearing something called "Spanx." So, yeah, wear those panty lines proudly.

One of my coworkers, a mother of four grown kids, has put the kaibosh on pants in the summer here in the cornfields. She says skirts are so much more comfortable in the heat, and I have to agree. No hose, no heels. Panty lines are no problem with skirts.

Can I also hear an amen on no more fricking plumber's butt on women wearing the ultra-low cut jeans? Either that or we need a national ban on squatting. Oy.

Sassmaster said...

Right on, Mully. Subvert the paradigm! I will just assume my underwear is always exuding sex appeal--full of holes, sexy satin, granny panties, lacy and frilly, showing through my pants, failing elastic, whatever! It is hot, merely by being in my vicinity! Take that, fashion police. Though I should add, that I don't believe people should be able to see my underwear though my clothes (i.e. white pant syndrome).

Lollie: Word. See also:

And I am totally down with the skirts, elbee. I boycott pants most of the year, but am one of those capri-addicted office workers. (Almost shorts!) But I'm having trouble finding skirts I like these days. I'm fond of a straight line that does not hit me at the knee. It seems like every skirt I try on this year makes me look like a hippo in a tutu.

mully said...

there is always going commando..i have been known to do it

Hybrid Fat-n-Sassy said...

So sorry that I was out of town at the beginning of this important topic. I have VPL and I don't care
--hard. I too have heard fashionistas go on about VPL as though it were as bad as flashing lady parts as you get out of a limousine. How come nobody cares about men's Visible Wife-Beaters under their business shirts?

I have Spanx and I always wear them with skirts. Not to avoid VPL, but because it's a sure-fire defense against The Chafe.