Sunday, September 9, 2007

Nutty Love or How I Married a Condiment: The Mully Story

It's the oldest story in the world: Girl meets nut butter. Girl falls in love with nut butter. Girl drags her friends to South Dakota to participate in marriage to nut butter, drink.

The perfor.. er, festivities began the night before with the bachlorette party. Here's the bride with her sister, who is special:



We consumed much Sunbutter (the groom), and the bride, who's totally got a thing going on the side with tequila, made up a new drink by combining Jose Cuervo with champagne. The b. pronounced it "peppery" (it IS kinda cool, you should try it), and it came to be known as the Peppery Bitch. She will now be ordering it in every bar she goes to, because she is all about viral marketing.

On the drive across the state, we stopped in Wall so the bride and her maid of honor could strike sexy poses with fiberglass animals. That's how we roll in the S.D.:



For those of you who are unfamiliar with S.D. wildlife, that is a jackelope -- cross between a jackrabbit and an antelope. There were taxidermied jackelope heads on sale for a mere $69.99. Because on a S.D. vacation, you don't just visit another state. You visit an alternate reality. Woo!

You can also see a recreation of the poker game in which Wild Bill Hickock got hisself shot, complete with creepy mannequins:

But we did FINALLY reach Hermosa and held the blessed event. Here's the bride getting her hair done in the cowboy room by her maid of honor:

The groom's family was seated first. I thought they had a disapproving air:


The cowboy preacher, his beer, and his cigarette were in place along with the groom.


The flower girl exuberantly flung fragrant buds everywhere:



And the maid of honor and best man danced their way down the aisle:



At last, the bride walked the aisle to the tune of Glen Campbell's "Sunflower." Isn't she ravishing?

She clearly thinks so! The preacher got on with the service, which included some cowboy poetry on the subject of love. The congregation responded with resounding "Yipee-ty-yi-yays!"

Some people thought they could detect a telling bulge in the bride's abdomen, and speculated that this might be a shotgun wedding. But she was drinking like a fish, so we hope the rumors are untrue!
The bride's sister, Suspiciously Pleased, sang Annie's Song, accompanied by the best man, and then performed an interpretive dance. The congregants were visibly moved.


At this point, my camera battery died, which often happens while spending a few days with people who insist that you immortalize their every move on film. Perhaps Boomer can forward the photo of the bride and groom kissing. Our story hardly feels finished without it.

14 comments:

Lollie said...

I love your wedding pictorials...when's the next blessed event and does it involve another condiment, say, salsa?

mully said...

south dakota seems like it is full of whack-jobs! but what an awesome love story. (Sunbutter is a little offended, and would like to remind you that he is made of seeds not nuts)

mully said...

hey sassmaster, any chance you might throw a little wedding story action/pictures over to the HIA?

Sassmaster said...

Sunbutter is kind of a whiny pussy, I think. But I have been enjoying him on celery. Really, we all would have looked even crazier if we'd managed to videotape the thing. I'm grateful for small things.

Lollie: the maid of honor slurred her intentions to marry Western South Dakota while drinking toasts to the newlyweds. But she thought better of it in the morning. Not so pretty in the daylight...

The best man declared that he was married to his sense of failure. I told him that he and his partner should double-date with me and my sense of shame. We swing!

At one time, the bride seemed to be falling for tequila, but we tried to convince her that he was just toying with her. Everyone knows that tequila is a whore.

Lollie said...

LOL!!!

mully said...

we really should plan for the next "wedding" it is kinda fun...

Night Editor said...

Git on to hollywood, creative screenwriter, you. Very funny.

One of the most surreal phone calls I had was right after 9-11 when I frantically called around to check that my kids and my hubbie were okay and when I reached my husband and asked him, "where are you," he answered, "on top of the corn palace." He was managing a roof project there. . . .

Barb said...

I am speachless.
in a good way, don't worry.

i don't know if i should jump around because i just found yet another awesome blog that i will now be forced to check daily, or if i should just sit quietly and bask in the glory.

once i decide, i will let you know.

Whiskeymarie said...

This is hilariously odd and fantastic.
God I love stuff like this.
Good follow-through.

Sassmaster said...

Barb, glad we snagged your attention. And NE, "top of the corn palace" is S.D. slang for "on top of the world!" Not really.

Boomer said...

Well written story, sassmaster. The fact that sunbutter is made of seeds doesn't stop it from being "nutty love." I do have some pictures that would compliment your story nicely, but I'm having some technical dificulties with the forwarding process.

Hybrid Fat-n-Sassy said...

I'm sorry to have to strike the sour note here, but relationships between peanut butter substitutes and Christians just don't work out. How are they going to raise the children?

Sassmaster said...

You are not alone in your dissent, HFnS. This was bigamy after all -- we celebrated her first marriage in the same spot several years ago. The first husband's stayed silent on this whole thing and, not surprisingly, stayed in Florida during the wedding. In fact, he seems to have introduced her to Border Sauce Hot:
http://hianews.blogspot.com/2007/08/cheeky-border-sauce-hot.html
It's ALL a little weird.

mully said...

but i am not even a christian(though i do love the baby jesus, who happens to be my favorite jesus)sunbutter and i will be just fine, and we wil be raising our children..as well, not christians...